Man with world’s second longest penis accuses man with biggest of ‘cheating’

Some men are entirely satisfied with the size of their penis. After all, the average human vagina only averages out at about four inches deep (though it can stretch if it needs to), and as we all know, it’s less about the size of the boat than it is about the… motion of the ocean.
That being said, there are probably a few guys out there who dream of having the world’s largest penis. It’s probably not all it’s cracked up to be.

Not only is wearing shorts completely off limits, but even the smallest hint of arousal would be enough to send gallons of blood flowing away from your brain and other vital organs. Plus, most women or men would be terrified of sleeping with you and your terrifying one-eyed monster, for fear of having to spend the rest of their lives in a wheelchair.
That’s not even mentioning the inherent drama that comes with having such a large penis; not only would other men be insanely jealous of you, but you’d constantly be having to ward off challengers to your title; using your giant package as a metaphorical club to keep the pretenders at bay.

That’s the situation facing Roberto Esquivel Cabrera at the moment, who has the world’s largest penis at a boxers-shredding 19 inches long. Residing in Saltillo, Mexico, Cabrera has admitted that even with such a large penis, life can be especially… long and hard.

“I cannot wear a uniform like anybody in the companies and also I cannot get on my knees.I cannot run fast and so the companies think badly of me. They say that they will call me, but they never do. Every four months they give me some economic assistance but it is not enough.”

Tragic stuff, but is Cabrera’s title legit? According to his nearest challenger, absolutely not. Jonah Falcon, from New York, is five and a half inches (that is, the length of an average human weiner) behind Cabrera, but Falcon has accused his rival of some… illegal elongating in the race for the world’s longest disco stick.

“His penis isn’t 19 inches. Doctors have acknowledged this and said he could have a normal sex life if he is essentially circumcised. It has been going around for the past two-and-a-half years. The man stretched his foreskin constantly, from what I understand, but it’s normal underneath.

I think it’s ridiculous and he seems kind of desperate. No matter how big he is, it’s not going to change the fact that I’m 13.5inches. I’m not competing with anybody, at least not directly. It’s not going to change who I am and what I have and in my eyes, it’s kind of pathetic. If you can’t use it, what good is it for?”

Oooh. Shots fired. I’m not exactly sure of the rules when it comes to measuring penises (the Guinness Book of World Records have so far “not recognised” Cabrera’s claims), but what I do hope is that these two men settle their differences, and keep the d**k-measuring contests literal instead of figurative.